Movies: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Starring: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Jesse Eisenberg, Amy Adams, Gal Gadot, Jeremy Irons
Directed By: Zack Snyder
Written By: Chris Terrio & David S. Goyer from characters by Bob Kane, Bill Finger, Jerry Siegel & Joe Shuster
Warner Bros., 2016
PG-13; 151 minutes
2 stars (out of 5)


I've said it before, loudly and repeatedly, but here it is again: I really am sick to death of all the superhero movies. They were fun for a while, but now they all look and sound the same. Every f***ing movie is a group of heroes trying to stop some bad thing from destroying a city or a country or the world. The X-Men, the Avengers, and now the Justice League. I can't be excited for any of it any more. I'm worn out.

Oh, but this year is the twist. Bro fights. Batman versus Superman, Captain America versus Iron Man. And it's induction year too! Because Wonder Woman and Spider-Man get to join the clubs.


I could have forgiven this movie if it had entertained me more. But from the first frame I was groaning. We were going to do the young Bruce Wayne thing again. No one needs that any more. We all know it already. Stop trying to find new ways to tell the same goddamn story.

And because I was not suitably diverted, I began to nitpick. Like, why do the bad guys shoot at the Batmobile? They must know it doesn't do anything to shoot at it. In fact, it only puts them at risk for ricocheted bullets. Superheroes must really rely on bad guys being idiots.


And why does Batman set up guns to shoot at Superman? Just like with the Batmobile, he must know the bullets won't do anything. Slow him down? Nope. Give him a false sense of superiority? Maybe, but there's no point in not just going right in with the Kryptonite. Unless Batman was hoping to get shoved through a few brick walls first. Just for the fun of it.

I found the hallucinations/dreams utterly ridiculous and unnecessary (except, obviously, to plant seeds for future movies). And I remarked early on that Batman and Superman's parents had the same names only to discover that a major plot point hinged on that. Which is just flimsy and dumb. Why would Superman say, "Save Martha" instead of, "Save my mom" anyway? (Okay, okay, because no one is supposed to know Martha Kent is his foster mother. But still. So, so flimsy.)

Also, leftover Lord of the Rings animations used to create Doomsday. If not, then a total ripoff of LotR animations to create Doomsday. Either way, really, really bad.

Okay, so all that (and so many more little things that would take me ages to type) aside. I'll say I think all the acting was actually pretty good. But Ben Affleck is looking chunky. Not muscular, but chunky. Round in the face and all that. Puffy. Yeah, that's right—if guys can objectify women, then right back attcha. Still, he did a good job, and Jeremy Irons was great as Alfred, and Jesse Eisenberg did well as Lex (though I'm not really convinced he's pretending so much as wandering onto the set and babbling while the cameras roll), and I even liked Gal Gadot. Even if I'm not thrilled about more superhero movies, she's a good Wonder Woman.

And Henry Cavill, well, I just love him anyway. And this was so, so much better than Man of Steel, so at least there's that. I still see zero actual chemistry between him and Amy Adams, though. His best scenes were against Affleck, but as Clark Kent v Bruce Wayne more than their alter egos. Could've used more of that in this movie.

For the record, I've always been a Superman girl. Chris Reeve all the way, baby, but I like Henry as runner-up. And I'll take Superman over Batman any day.

I won't go into the plot; the title says it all, more or less. But God, I'm so very weary of these dark, gritty, "realistic" (but not really) takes on all these characters. And it's the same story over and over and over. It's time to get some new ones. And no, making them fight each other doesn't count. Because we all know in the end they'll just band together to fight something else instead. Like for box office domination.

It's time to start fighting back a little by demanding more from our movies.

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