Television: AHS: Coven, "The Sacred Taking"

When we last left the Teen Witch Squad . . .

Queenie had defected over to Madame Laveau. And as the episode opens, she's fetching a "dark heart" for Laveau.

Meanwhile, Fiona is bitching and moaning about the fact she's dying of cancer. Geez, why doesn't she get herself some of that immortality potion? (Actually, I don't know how that would work out. Would you be immortal but still have cancer?)

And, just when we'd almost forgotten they existed, we go back to Luke and his Bible-crazy mother. She wants to rid Luke of his impurities, which he supposedly got from having been in the witch school. Moms in this show just suck all around, don't they?

Misty runs to the school when a resurrected Myrtle comes to warn her of a man with a gun circling the shack. Cordelia extends an offer of protection to her . . . And Myrtle, who has come along. And then Myrtle announces Misty as the next Supreme.

The titular "sacred taking" is the name of the ceremony for the ascension of the new Supreme. Time to put on red cloaks and black lace mantillas! It's a crisis management ceremony meant to ensure the survival of the coven when things go south. Like, you know, Salem Witch Trials bad. Thing is, it requires the death of the current Supreme. And Fiona seems unlikely to sacrifice herself.

Cue some bizarre filming choices as Madison coerces Fiona by suggesting she OD on pills rather than be burned at the stake for having killed another witch. (But wait—can they prosecute Fiona if Madison isn't actually dead? Isn't it really only attempted murder? Or does the fact that Madison was dead for a while mean the murder charge stands?)

Madison also claims to be the next Supreme. It's a trick, but Fiona seems to fall for it. She begins to do up her face and prepare to leave a beautiful corpse.

And Myrtle steals the jewelry.

And then Spaulding (who, remember, Zoe killed) arrives and tells Fiona the girls have been lying to her. He then gives her something to help her puke up the pills.

Back at the ranch salon, Queenie brings LaLaurie a Jumbo Jack with cheese. It's clear Queenie doesn't feel all that good about having given LaLaurie up . . . But then Laveau shoos Queenie away and cuts LaLaurie's hand off. Have to say, kind of weak, that interaction. There should be something far more spectacular happening here—happening in every part of this show, really—but it's just kind of paddling along. It has too many characters and plot lines and not enough actual tension or action. Compared to Asylum, this season is really lacking.

We go back to Luke's house, where Nan has gone to rescue him from his evil mother. Bible Mom calls the police saying there is an "armed and dangerous" intruder in her home, and when Luke stands up to her, she threatens to "unmake him." But before she can try, shots are fired from outside the window and the mom and Luke both go down.

The spatter pattern behind the mom doesn't make any sense, though. That kind of bothers me.

Kyle chooses the moment the coven is under attack to tell Zoe he loves her. And of course, Madison overhears.

Now the coven must resolve its differences in order to take on the witch hunter (that is, of course, Cordelia's husband Hank).

And in a tit-for-tat, Laveau sends LaLaurie's head back to the school in a box. And of course LaLaurie is still alive.

So for all this—the bad neighbors, the fight with Laveau, the witch hunter, the infighting, Misty, Kyle, Spaulding, the Axeman, the whole LaLaurie thing—I still feel like nothing very interesting is going on. It's just sort of crawling, with spikes of [utterly predictable] action here and there, but nothing all that exciting or surprising. Maybe it will come together in the end. But so far this scattershot approach is not hitting any targets. The more focused Asylum was better. (Though I leave it open for Coven to improve.)