Movies: The Wolverine

I'm going to blog as I watch. I'm also drinking a piña colada, so you know . . .

• We start with the WWII bombing of Nagasaki. Our hero (that's Wolverine if you're wondering) saves a Japanese soldier. And impressively regenerates.
• But then he wakes up next to Jean Grey. Except that's a dream too? Ugh, I hate this kind of thing.
• Wait, now he's Grizzly Adams. 'Bout to trounce some asshole hunters for hurting his bear friend.
• So now we've shown that Logan/Wolverine is noble and a badass. This is what we call "establishing character."
• Why must they always give Asian girls weird hair colors?
• She has come to take Wolverine to dying Yashida, the man he saved in Nagasaki. But first we need the obligatory bath-and-shaving scene. (Hey, I'll take on the task of bathing Hugh Jackman any time. Yes, even if he's flailing like a beast. Especially if he's flailing like a beast.)
• Turns out Yashida doesn't really plan to die. He just wants to offer Logan the opportunity to "live as a normal human." Oh, and also ask him to protect his granddaughter.
• So is that considered a really good kiss or a really bad one? I'm going to go with bad.
• Oh, and Yashida is dead. So much that plan of his to live and all. Yukio is sad because she has precognitive sight but failed to see Yashida's passing.
• People on rooftops. Can't have a superhero movie without people on rooftops.
• When I die, I hope they play "Getting Late" by Rob Thomas. (As opposed to this chanting and gong thing.)
• Also, I hope no one starts shooting at my funeral. Because I would be totally sorry to miss out on that. Especially if there were arrows. I love arrows. Would hate to miss arrows.
• Really long action sequence. I am clearly not the target audience for this movie. Really long action sequences bore me.
• I do love those Japanese arcades, though.
• Did they give the one girl bright red hair so we'd be able to tell them apart? And is that racist? Kind of?
• Kaiju! I call my kids that all the time.
• More fighting. This time on a train. How long before someone ends up on top of the train? (Answer: Not long.)
• Obligatory awkward forcing together of two people (here, they must share a room in a love hotel) in order to create false sexual tension.
• Wait, what? A goat? I hate goats. Ah, I see; a veteranerian is helping take the bullets out of Logan and stitch him up. So the question is: Why isn't Logan regenerating? And the answer is: Bad kissing.
• Now we're back outside Nagasaki. Chopping wood is harder than it used to be.
• Flashback: Yashida tries to give Logan a sword, but Logan tells him to keep it safe and he'll come back to claim it later.
• More awkward tension as Mariko ties Logan's kimono for him. (Is it a yukata?)
• Kissing. Less bad than with the other lady but still painful to watch.
• Maybe he should just always sleep in a separate bed. I feel like that would solve a lot of these problems. (No spooning for you!)
• The flashes of Jean are really obnoxious and dumb.
• Oh, wait, Yukio is having a precognitive dream of Logan's death. And Mariko is being kidnapped.
• So Yashida was bankrupting his company in attempt to turn himself into the next Wolverine (that is, he was stockpiling adamantium and working to prolong his life so he could be ageless and self-healing like Logan).
• This Viper chick isn't a very interesting or formidable villain. -Ess. Villainess.
• Time for Logan to make Yukio's nightmare come true by pulling his own heart out.
• More fighting. And now Logan is back to being Logan.
• The score for this movie is pretty over the top.
• Time for the big finish. Wolverine has had some of his claws cut off by some robotic samurai thing with a hot sword. (And no, that's not a euphemism.)
• And Viper has shed her skin, though I don't know why. Just to show off maybe.
• Oh, wait, am I supposed to believe Yashida is in that armor? I'm confused. I should have paid better attention. Except I wasn't interested enough to pay that much attention. And really, I don't feel like I missed anything.
• Yup, there's Yashida. Turns out he's a villain too. And he's . . . Draining Wolverine's life force? Or something?
• Oh look, he got younger. And then Mariko stabbed him. In the throat.
• Wolverine finishes the job.
• The "sayonara" was tacky, though.
• I think Logan needs another bath . . .
• And apparently we've got a bad rom-com in the making: Yukio as Wolverine's bodyguard.
• Yay! Magneto! Professor X! Best moment of the whole movie, and you have to wait partly through the credits to see it. Pfffttt.
• There was not enough piña colada for this.