Here is Where I Rail Against My iPhone 7's Headphones

[Profanity Warning]

Fuck you, Apple.

Fuck you for making the iPhone 7 just different enough that I had to buy a new case.

And fuck your podcast app that adds a bunch of crap to my playlist and then doesn't give me a way to delete them or clear the list so that I have to fast forward through every goddamn one.

Fuck your music app, too, because no matter how many times I try to delete shit from my playlist, it keeps crawling back. I ONLY WANT THE SONGS I WANT, NOT RANDOM SHIT.

But most of all, fuck your new headphones that are hard, uncomfortable plastic and don't fit in my ears.

Did it ever occur to you "brilliant" fucking idiots that there is a reason most GOOD headphones come with a variety of interchangeable buds? Different shapes and sizes? Could it possibly be that we're not all fucking clones and our ears aren't all the same? And maybe, just maybe, we want our headphones to be comfortable?

And don't you dare try to tell me to use your goddamn adapter. The one that worked for about a week before my iPhone quit recognizing it, probably because you want us to use your crap technology instead of, like, headphones that work and are comfortable and all that.

And if you try to tell me I can buy other Apple headphones in other sizes—I don't know, I haven't looked—I'm going to tell you to go fuck yourself. Because I spent enough on the goddamn phone that it should come with everything I need without me having to spend more money. Did I mention I already had to buy a new case, you fuckity fucks?

I've had an iPod since they first came out, I've had an iPhone since they came out, too, but this—this is the final straw. I'm actually about to go have a gander at the Google phone because when you no longer add to my life experiences—when you, in fact, are detracting from my life by making it impossible for me to listen to music or podcasts on my daily walks—that's where I draw the line. I'll put up with a lot, but not this. No crap piece of technology is worth this aggravation. The fact that my phone can make me this angry is not healthy. So I will go find a phone that works the way I want it to work and has headphones I can actually fucking use.

So long, fuckers.